November 12, 1997
Slobodan Milošević Youth Hospital
First Floor: Administration

 

As requested by United Pharmaceutical Research (UPR), I will be providing daily reports on my findings of UPR’s human clinical trials of Ethexotrex on the patients and staff of the Slobodan Milošević Youth Hospital in Kragujevac, Serbia. Though I will be reporting to Dr. Bryce Quincy Sampson MD, PhD, former Bayer research scientist for the duration of these experiments, has informed me that he “doesn’t give a fuck about the stupid reports, write whatever the fuck you want, no one reads them anyway.”

While my initial inclination was to half-ass the reports, I’ve since realized that these are, essentially, carte blanche to cover my ass when this study inevitably goes pear-shaped. And I am almost certain that these trials will go pear-shaped. 

To the best of my knowledge, UPR managed to purchase the hospital, its patients, and its staff in a single acquisition, and because of Serbia’s lax laws around medical research, they have near free reign to perform experiments with minimal patient consent. Legally, I would be shocked if we were operating in anything other than a legal grey area. Morally, well, the communists did a great job breaking down that barrier. 

It doesn’t matter, UPR pays its lawyers and politicians to keep things on the up and up, and they pay their scientists to research.

So research I shall.

I look forward to getting this over with, getting paid, and getting the fuck out of Serbia.

Sincerely,
Dr. William H. Cleary, MD, PhD
Senior Research Scientist, United Pharmaceutical Research

 

 

Experimental Notes:

The patients are largely unspectacular. twelve boys, fourteen girls, seven nurses, five security personnel, four administrators. 

Most of the children show signs of malnourishment and underdevelopment, but many of the adults do as well, so I’m working under the assumption that this is a common state for the region. 

Patients have been split into an experimental and a control group. The experimental group will be given an appropriate dose of Ethexotrex three times daily, proportional to their weight, gender, and age. Typically that means that adults 50mg TID and children get 75mg TID. It sounds strange, but prior research indicates that children have a higher ability to convert Ethexotrex into safe metabolites, whereas adults are more likely to metabolize Ethexotrex slowly and with a surplus of harmful metabolites. The control group will be given sugar pills.

Both groups will be asked to perform a series of tasks (see Supplemental A: Universal Exhaustion Performance Index Testing (UEPIT)  and complete quizzes at various points during the day and night. If asleep, patience will be awoken in order to complete these trials. Results will be compared between groups. Wakefulness, measured by the duration of the day spent awake, will also be measured and compared between groups.